deadly weapon...

Its been a while, i know i know....exams came, but now im done so here i am again.

I have been meditating at a special passage from the Bible today,

"When we put bits into the mouths of horses to make them obey us, we can turn the whole animal. Or take ships as an example. Although they are so large and are driven by strong winds, they are steered by a very small rudder wherever the pilot wants to go. Likewise the tongue is a small part of the body, but it makes great boasts. Consider what a great forest is set on fire by a small spark. The tongue also is a fire, a world of evil among the parts of the body. It corrupts the whole person, seths the whole course of his life on fire." (James 3:3-6).

I like to read these verses pretty much whenever I can. They are always a good reminder of the fact that I need to keep a good guard on my mouth. So often people get hurt because of words they didn't even mean to say. The sad thing is that I only became aware of this after it happened to me. Sometimes words hurt more than a bruise.

When I was a kid, I hated that every time I did something wrong my parents would give me a lecture instead of a good punishment. I would've gladly give up cartoons, sweets, or even playtime with my friends, anything as long as I didn't get to see them all sad and hear them say I've dissapointed them. Fortunately, this didn't happen very often.

Last week I tried that every time I opened my mouth to say something that might hurt someone, to replace the potential "weapon" with some words of encouragement, or a smile.
And yesterday at church a lady came up to me and told me that whenever she felt down the passing week, she thought of me, and how I always have a big smile on my face when I'm around people. And it was a great encouragement to me!

So my prayer is that I will continue to touch people with my smile, and not hurt them with my words....

Be Thou My Vision

Be Thou My Vision

Be Thou my Vision, O Lord of my heart;
Naught be all else to me, save that Thou art
Thou my best Thought, by day or by night,
Waking or sleeping, Thy presence my light.

Be Thou my Wisdom, and Thou my true Word;
I ever with Thee and Thou with me, Lord;
Thou my great Father, I Thy true son;
Thou in me dwelling, and I with Thee one.

Be Thou my battle Shield, Sword for the fight;
Be Thou my Dignity, Thou my Delight;
Thou my soul’s Shelter, Thou my high Tower:
Raise Thou me heavenward, O Power of my power.

Riches I heed not, nor man’s empty praise,
Thou mine Inheritance, now and always:
Thou and Thou only, first in my heart,
High King of Heaven, my Treasure Thou art.

High King of Heaven, my victory won,
May I reach Heaven’s joys, O bright Heaven’s Sun!
Heart of my own heart, whatever befall,
Still be my Vision, O Ruler of all.

crushes...

I wanted to give him everything. He didn’t need me.
I wanted to tell him all of my dreams. He wouldn’t listen.
I wanted to laugh with him. He said my jokes weren’t funny.
I wanted to stand by his side. He did great by himself.
I wanted him to hold me. His arms couldn’t reach out for me.
I wanted his support. He was never here.
I wanted his protection. He couldn’t even take care of himself.
I wanted to think he’s the one. I realized he’s not the only one.
I wanted to think I’m important. I am, but not for him.
I wanted to love him. Love hurts.
I wanted to think it’s not over. Still, I ended it.
I wanted to cry.
He was there.
He wanted my heart. I was scared.
He showed me love. It was different.
I trusted Him. I wasn’t sorry.
He wanted the whole of me. I gave Him everything.
He changed me. I liked the new me.
He died for me. I cried.
He rose from the dead. I was saved.
He loves me. And now I live for Him.
I love Him. But He loved me first.

Just some thoughts....

We all have our times of sorrow, deep hurt and pain. The only way to get read of them is to deal with them as soon as we possibly can. It is always hard to break up with someone you used to love, to leave your friends, to watch the ones you love suffer, and to know that there’s nothing in the world for you to help them. Than, what’s the solution to all the pain, to all the broken hurts? Isn’t God supposed to be a merciful one, isn’t he supposed to give us a happy life and everything that we need? Well, I’ve got news. There is no place in the Bible where God promises us to live happily on earth. Instead, he promises an everlasting life, with him, the everlasting God, where we will know no tears and no pain or suffering.


And what’s with the whole love thing anyway? It makes me mad to see how young Christians nowadays are so manipulated by this. You have to have a boyfriend. If you’re still a virgin by the time you’re 17, you’re either a big loser, or a monk. What’s with all this anyway? Aren’t we supposed to live our lives? Than why is there a story about a boy or a girl on almost every movie and every single song on TV these days? How come people get crazy around Valentine’s day just to buy the perfect gift for someone they hardly know? How can you buy the perfect gift for someone you don’t know? Why do people expect from the other one in a couple to give anything away for them, and still they’re not willing to sacrifice anything??

Everywhere you look, there are big fat lies…in every love movie there’s this extremely romantic, almost perfect relationship. In anyone of these movies, the man is very romantic, and she is very sensual, and feminine, and she can cook, clean, look hot and have a great job. Not to mention the fact that without realizing it, women are encouraged to live their own lives, by being independent, and not having any kids until they’re too old to have them. And men…all men in the movies think that if they smoke, drink, yell and drive a fancy car they are real men. Well, I’ve got news. As far as I’m concerned, us women, we would rather have a man that can do some real work, that is responsible, that solves the problems with his wife, and not with his lover, a man that is man enough to admit when he makes mistakes, or when he’s scared. All men seem just too proud to admit they blew it up, or that they are scared of something, they’re scared they’ll lose their jobs or anything. Admitting you have feelings doesn’t make you less a man than you already are.

All

I give you all my life…
I give you all my love
I give you all my strength
I give you all of my best.

The pain deep in the chest
My joy, my all, my faithfulness…
I give them all to you
Surrender them at your feet…

Every second of my days
Moments when sunshine’s on my face
The deep dark night
When to you I cry out
I give it all to you
Because you help me through…

You are here to stop the storm
You are here to ease my pain
You are my protection from the rain…

That’s why I need to give it all to you…
Hold me tight when I stumble
Make sure I don’t hurt when I fall
And If I do you’re there to assure me
Of Thy love’s eternity….

Broken Heart

In my anger and fear I tried to put my broken heart back together by myself, but it looked so bad...too many pieces missing, to many broken dreams... "But how could you lose pieces of your heart?", you may ask. well, at first i was too hurt to admit it was broken. than i was too proud to confess my hurt. and as i continued my walk, pieces of my broken heart fell. i thought they were tears. but when i felt something was missing, it was too late. i already gave parts of my heart , even before it broke. i got them all back...i found one piece in the trash. apparently, the one i gave it too decided it's too ugly. i took it back, i needed it in my desperate try to put my heart back together. "You’re never too ugly for me", i said, and put it safe. Than, as i was walking, i found another piece. No one cared about that certain piece of my heart, so now it was just walking around, looking for some attention. "I'll never ignore you", i cried and picked it up, "i'll never act like i don't know you're there". I was happy...i thought that was all i lost, so now i was trying to do the puzzle. But...there still were pieces missing...so i continued my search, hoping i'll get it all back. Than, as i was walking, i saw a boy playing with a piece of my heart. "what are you doing? can't you see i need my heart back? give it back, i need it!". He looked at me and smiled. Than i understood why he was holding it. "good choice" i said to myself. But than i saw how he decided to break my heart even more than it already was. "you're a great girl", he said, "awesome friend, but i never really loved you anyway. Here, take it back, i don't need it anymore. See, i got another one. I found a girl that was willing to give me more". I took it back mad that i didn't know better. "it's ok, next time, i'll be more careful, i won't give you away to anyone. I'll think well before giving you away again", i said while trying to strengthen up my pieces with my tears...So i kept on walking. Than, when i stopped, i saw another piece of my heart. But it wasn't on fire, like when i gave it away. Now it was all burned out..."what happened?', i cried and ran to the place where what used to be my heart on fire was..."who are you? why did you put out the fire?", i asked the ones standing there, glad they did a good deed. "oh, is this yours? we saw it burning, and we were afraid it might spread to the other hearts around here. there's no danger now. see, it's not even warm anymore". I took what used to be my dreams, my hopes, my beliefs..."what will i do now? i'll never have the same passion again!"......and i cried. i stood there and cried. "where can i go? what can i do?"...and while my tears were falling, i noticed something...the road kept on going. This was not the end. " i have to see the end", i said while i got up and wiped away my tears. "there has to be something, someone to help me get my heart back". So i kept on walking. And than..all of the sudden, i saw it....The Book was there...a big, old dusty book... i read it. and, while reading, i heard a voice saying "i see you have a broken heart". "can you help?" i asked, desperate to end the pain. "yes, i can. but i need your trust. i need you to give it all to me, so i can put it all back together." I got sad, "can't you see it's broken? why do you want it now? it's all gone, all its beauty, all its strength...its all gone...no, i won't trust you...look what happened to my heart...i trusted too much, and that's what got it broken in the first place.". Quiet. No answer. Just a hammer and some nails...a cross..."wait...i think i saw you before...you wanted my heart when it was nice. what happened? how come you still want it now? no one wants a broken heart...". I looked at my heart...it was so different from what it used to be..."all in pieces, it will never look the same again...maybe He really wants my heart, no matter the shape. what do i have to lose anyway?", i said to myself..."here, you can have it. i don't care if you can fix it or not. take it. it's all yours. do whatever you want with it. it used to be so good to have it inside of me...it kept me warm, made me feel human. " He took it. It hurt giving it away. So i started to cry. It was hurting me to know that now i have no heart. I wished i could've start it all all over again...i wanted a second chance..."can you fix it?" i found myself asking. "yes". "but how? i tried to put it back together using my tears, but they weren't good enough. do you have some sort of special glue i should know about?"...no answer...just the nails and the hammer..."Here, it's ready. You can have it back." "Back? But i gave it to you! I only wanted to fix it. See, it's good as new". I looked at it. The glue...it was something new, something i've never seen before..."wait", i said while giving Him back my new heart, "i want you to have it. If you can fix it, i'm sure you can use it better than i did. But...can i stick around and see how You will use it?". I saw His hands while He reached out for my heart...they still had the sign of the nails..."Ask and you shall receive", He said, and we started to walk together, on a new road, with a new heart...

Forgivness

"I am sorry". "Please forgive me". These are common phrases we use or hear all the time. Sometimes we don't really care if we are forgiven or not, we just say it because the person we hurt needs to hear it, or because its the polite thing to do, and even because it will get us out of trouble.

But how often do we think of how hard it is to forgive someone? How hard is it to be able to move on, to say "You are forgiven" or "I forgive you". Its not that hard to say it, but it is very hard to actually feel according to what you say. Sure you can forgive the husband who had an affair, the best friend who betrayed you, the son or daughter who lied to you or the parent who never told you you are adopted.

What happens when you want to forgive someone and you think you have the power to do so, but you're still hurting because of their words or actions? If you are like me, you will probably expect the other person to be able to move on and get things back to normal the moment they tell me I'm forgiven.

I had to deal with this recently. A friend who hurt me more than I ever thought she has the power to. She said she is sorry, she asked me to forget all about it, and she asked for forgivness. I love her. She is my dearest friend, so after a day or two of just sitting in bed weeping i decided I won't let some words ruin a long, beautiful friendship. So I told her I forgive her, and that made her very happy, and it made me happy to see her happy. But...now she's acting like nothing ever happened, and I'm still struggling with the pain, I'm not healed yet. My soul hurts because it was a deep wound. And now she expects me to trust her again, to be her best friend again, but she doesn't seem to understand that it will take me a long time to heal, and maybe even longer to trust her again.

But I did forgive her, I think...though I know that my forgivness is nothing compared to God's. When He forgives, He also forgets. He decides to trust you again, even though He knows you will do the same mistake again maybe as soon as you are forgiven. He forgives, and expects us not to sin agains Him again, or maybe not... Maybe God doesn't have such great expectations of us not sinning after we are forgiven because He surely knows us, and if its not going to be the same sin, something else will come up. "Go and sin no more". So maybe He does expect us not to sin after we get our forgivness. I have a serious theological dillema here and my pastor is out of town! And I don't have anyone else who might know the answer.

Well, bottom line is that i want to stop hurting. Its not the first time she hurt me like this, and back than she did promis to never hurt me this much again. Shame on you if you fool me once, shame on me if you fool me twice...

I don't like it when I'm naive like I was now, but I think I'll just give her one more chance...though it scares me like crazy. I just don't like pretending that things are perfect when they're not.

blessings and friends...

I wanted to create this blog so i can keep good track of the great blessings God has for me every day, so my goal is to write something every day, so i can be more aware by the amazing love of my Father. Also, i will just write my heart out whenever i feel like it.

Right now i feel like writing about friends, and about how easy it is to lose great friendships. Some sad events put me in the position where i had no time to socialize, to keep up with my friends. I kept contact with just one or two friends, but all the other ones decided my life was too complicated at the moment for them to step in. But than there came the moment when my life was more relaxed, I guess but I was too hurt or too busy to renew some friendships.

The people i'm talking about weren't the kind of friends you can call in the middle of the night because you broke up with your boyfriend or something like that. They were the gang you hang out with after church, the people whose company you enjoy. Every now and than you'd let one in, giving them the trust they don't deserve and this is how i ended up all by myself.

So i decided to invest more time in keeping in touch with friends that are far from me. And I trusted them. First, they weren't close to me, so they couldn't go around and make my secrets public. Secondly, it was so very easy to open up in front of a computer. When i write an email and not have a face-to-face conversation, words come easier, I have more topics to write of, I don't have to look those people in the eyes and i don't have to let them in my soul, though i do by writing to them. I just don't realize it at the moment. The burden is off my shoulders, the problem shared doesn't seem so big anymore.

Maybe this is one of the reasons why we can't see God when we pray. If we could see Him, see His glory, if we could feel His complete holiness, if we could look Him in the eyes and see all the love and at the same time all the pain we cause him through our sins, we couldn't pray anymore. I know I wouldn't. I would just be in awe, silent and with my tears rolling down.

I try to get God more involved in my life, make Him part of everything I do. I often wonder what is His plan with that old lady who's sitting down on the bus on a crowded ride downtown. I wonder how many times has God felt rejected because of her. And than I start praying for her, that she would stop making God hurt through her decisions, her sins. This is my new ministry, to pray for all the people that no one ever prays for. People hear the Gospel all the time, but how many of us actually fight the great spiritual war being on God's side?

God has blessed me so very much today. I was sitting on a bench today waiting for the bus to come, and a tiny dragonfly decided to join me. I'm no great fan of bugs, but I couldn't stop staring at it. It was so fragile, so delicate, so perfect the way God created it.

Our Lord is the best artist this world has ever known!